when it rains...

Have you ever felt someone else's pain so vividly that it becomes your own? I'm in possession of someone else's tragedy and it has consumed me.

My life got turned upside down last Thursday night. I feel like someone died. And I'm pretty sure that something did die...It is just not tangible. But the hurt. It's gut-wrenching. So sit back, and maybe my adopted pain will become yours as well.

I have a best friend. Her full, god given (Philipino) name is Erin Ann Gonzaga Faith Ditto. And I love love lover her. She's the one person in life that I feel really knows me for me...other than maybe K-Dub. She's from Phoenix, AZ but went to Gonzaga with me. We were cheerleaders together and our senior year, she was second in command to my "captain" status. I was "captain no fun" but she was captain "watch it." If you didn't watch it, Erin was going to put you in your place. Love my little half-asian ball of fire.
Our Junior year she met a boy named Kelly. (Yes, girl=Erin. Boy=Kelly.) He instantly became a huge part of both of our lives since it was about then that E and I started doing everything together. A few years later, I dated his best friend Chris Santucci. Like, OMG, how cute were we?! Best friends dating best friends!!!! Erin and Kelly lived together, in the same house as Chris and 5 of our closest friends, for about a year. We're thick as thieves. They are two of my very best friends. Two people that have changed my life for the better. When I thought I couldn't believe that any good could come out of a relationship, they were my light. Last christmas, they made us all very happy when they got engaged.
Erin and Kelly would make you believe in true love. Make you a devotee to happily-ever-after. But like anything that looks good from the outside, the picture wasn't perfect. I'm not sure what went sour, but the two people that I thought would sit on a porch swing holding hands at 80 are no longer. I found out the reason "why" I guess...like it matters. maybe they just saved themselves from divorce. who knows. When I found out, I called her.
I can't described to you the amount of pain I could hear in E's voice. She said to me, "I don't know what to do." So we took baby steps.
"Where are you?" I asked.
"sitting on the curb at my parents'."
"Just sit there for a while. When you think you can stand, that's all I want you to do. Just stand."
Seconds of silence passed; muffled sobbs. Until I heard,
"I'm on my feat." I thought to myself, not quite hunny.
That's how we got her into the house. I texted the ex (a sure sign of treason, I know) just to tell him that I love him too and am thinking about him. I wanted him to know that in the division of the assets, I didn't want to have to pick sides. Like a child of divorcing parents I want visiting hours with both my friends. Though E is like, duh, first.
I was on the 6am flight to Phoenix so that I can hold my E.Ditto in person and just be with her. I just need to be there while she cries. It's the least I can do. When someone is grieving, NEVER EVER say that you know how they feel. Even if you've gone through the same thing, you have no idea what they're going through. Just say, "I'm sorry." Sometimes, you don't have to say anything at all. Silence can be powerful. be with the person. Be with them while they cry. Be with them while they stand. Inevitably they'll fall...and when that happens, be with them then too. This is her grief, but it's my pain too!
I guess the question for me is....is it worth it? Is the love that they felt for 4 years, all of the good times, worth the absolute blackness of the bottom that they're both sitting in right now? Are the late nights staying up talking and growing together worth the sleeplessness that Erin is experiencing? Waking up crying. I have to believe it is. You can't be scared of love because of heartbreak. She'll climb out of the dark abyss of this hurt and grow from it. She'll love again. And through all of it, so will I.