illegal activity

Life has been amazingly good to me as of late. I have a real legal tax-related job, a couple of crazy parents who have agreed to let me freeload in their basement, and cash on the horizon. Once I have my feet in my new Christian Louboutins I'll be set to die of happiness!

I have until July 5th to end my life in Seattle and start anew in Wenatchee. I never thought I'd see the day. But even as I type the words, I know it's right. Every time I'm back, I'm home. It is my home. For so long, too long, I've felt like my life was in a semi-permanent state. Like at any moment the wind could change and I blow me away again. Spokane felt like a prison sentence. Sometimes I see a glimpse of that person, the lonely girl I was there, and it makes me mad at myself for allowing it. The world is what you make of it and I made my world there a nightmare. I hated it. When, just as easily, I could have changed my own mind and embraced my time there. Sometimes I wish I were that nauseatingly happy person - everyone knows one. The one you want to hit in the month to stop them from spitting sunshine at you. But really, if I were like that, it would be a mask. I think that my internal being is naturally contemplative and that makes me, well, me. And I bet I have a few ex-boyfriends who can tell you: I'm not changing a bit of me. Because I like me this way...even if it is exhausting at times. And overly honest.

I had an old boss write me an email congratulating me on my new job - the new chapter of my life. He said that he was surprised that I didn't look for a job internationally. For the first time in a long time, it didn't even dawn on me that I would want to work overseas. And that used to be my one career goal. I was told once, in a little Buddhist village in North India, that travelers are really just escapists. We're all away because we're running. It was appalling to hear this and I immediately balked at this words. But he's right...to some extent. Whenever I'm the most unhappy, I dream of traveling. I dream of the sound of sand scrunching between my toes. I dream of a overstuffed backpacking travel bag and of not knowing where tomorrow will take me. Of me and Pete in a campervan down by the river, drinking wine and bullshitting about nothing. Because it's exciting! It's what I love to do! It's also an escape from life.

I'm happy here. I've met some amazing people in Seattle and some not-so amazing people. I've had my heart broke and I've probably reciprocated the feeling onto another. that's the funny thing about love and relationships, you never know how it's going to turn out. Right when you think you have the upper hand, you realize you're not even playing the same game. When it's right, neither person will be holding cards. Recently I met a really great guy and things were good. I was me with him. Which is a slight miracle. But I'm moving so I ended it. And now I'm left missing him. But from every heartbreak, from every down, there is an up! And baby, I'm flying.